Heavy Hearts

My heart hurts that I even have to write this post. I want to be honest here on our blog, for a couple of reasons. First, so that we don't have to answer the same hard questions over and over again. Second, because I know that sometimes when I've been going through something hard our world of social media can make it look like everyone else's lives are perfect, and that simply isn't the case. I hope that what I write today can help someone else in some way. Also, as hard as it is to express what has occurred in our lives the last few days, experience has taught me that while I fear criticism and judgment, those we love most will return to us comfort, love and support.

Our medical school journey has prematurely ended. After completing the first two years of medical school Ross requires students to pass a difficult exam in order to sit for boards and continue on. We got word on Thursday night that Ben did not pass the exam and we have really no choice but to find another path now. Ben did all he could to study and we all fasted and prayed, along with many loved ones. It simply didn't work out.

Right now it's hard to not ask the question "why?" Why did we have so much help in getting to this point? Why did he pass every semester that could have easily gone the other way only to have it end now? All the pain and heartache we've been through in the last few years feels as though it has been for nothing. And yet, we still have our faith. We don't understand it now, but I have faith that someday we will. Someday, when the wound isn't so fresh, we will be able to look back on this trial and see good that came from it. We'll be able to appreciate the life lessons we've learned and hopefully, with the perspective of the future, see that everything turned out okay anyway. But from where I sit now my heart is hurting and tears are falling.

We know that we are blessed, blessed to have supportive friends and family, to have two beautiful healthy children and to have each other. We are blessed to have a place to live while we figure out where we are going next in life. We are blessed to have the gospel and the power of prayer. If I could, I'd like to ask for your prayers in the coming days and weeks as we try to move on with our life and figure out what to do next. I know that good can come from trials, though it is so hard to see that in the midst of the fire. So now we begin a new chapter of life, one that we are hopeful will be the right thing for us. 

Sweet Little Moments

Lately I have felt like I don't have anything noteworthy to write about- our day to day life is fairly boring and each day varies little. However, each day with these two kiddos is made up of 100 sweet little moments that make it magical and make me realize I love this stage of life right now. We might not get out much, or go on grand adventures and fancy outings, but the sweet moments I spend with my kids are exciting to me. So here's a post about some fairly mundane, yet sweet little moments I've had with my boys this last week.

Hudson smiles all the time now, although it is so hard to catch on camera. Here he is one night after dinner, he gave his Papa smile after smile (for about 20 minutes until he was completely worn out and melted down into hysterics). Although Hudson will still go to other people, he likes to keep me in sight and gets a little nervous if I leave the room while someone else is holding him. I'm loving being his favorite person in the world! (I deserve it right? Since I'm the one who gets up multiple times a night with him!)

 Hudson's serious face here makes me laugh. I also love this picture because Chase picked out Hudson's outfit this day. He found this onesie in his drawer and got so excited about it. He points to it all the time and says "Hudson's Thomas Choo-choo train shirt!"

 Chase loves to be helping these days. This last week we cooked together a few times- making muffins and lemon loaf- and it's so fun. It takes twice as long, but Chase is learning so much and gets so much happiness from it that it's worth it! He also "helps" me clean- his favorite thing being dusting. He has a favorite dust rag that he calls his octopus that he loves to get to help out. Here he is on Sunday morning helping me give Hudson a bath. He was teaching Hudson how to properly splash in the tub, a skill he's perfected over the last two years.

 I bought Chase some summer jammies with tractors on them a few weeks ago. When I put them in his drawer he got so excited about them. That night after his bath he raced downstairs yelling "I pick! I pick" (meaning he wanted to pick out his own jammies) and went straight for the tractor jammies. Once Ben put them on him he exclaimed "I tute! I tute!(cute) I'm awesome!" Oh the simple things that make this boy happy!

 I love getting my boys dressed up for church. Their little ties just melt me. One of my favorite part about having children is dressing them. I love doing laundry and folding their adorable tiny clothes. Hudson has almost grown out of this little shirt (one of only TWO things I've bought for him- thanks to baby gifts and Chase's old stuff) and it makes me sad. Also, Hudson is a champ at church these days (unlike Chase who exhausts us just trying to get through sacrament meeting). I'm loving this stage where he will still sleep anywhere and just relaxes and falls asleep in our arms wherever we are.

Major Milestones for the Hugo Boys

 Chase has started saying his prayers all on his own- or mostly on his own. It's the most darling thing I've ever heard! So far he usually hits the normal- thank you for our family, thank you for the gospel- and then he adds his own ideas. Last night it was "thank you for mama, thank you for daddy, thank you for Will, thank you for Katie" (Will and Katie were over) and tonight he said, "thank you for airplanes." We usually have to prompt him to switch from "thank yous" to "please bless" and then he goes on to bless the missionaries and a few other things we can't always understand. He seems super proud of himself and we are so proud of him! It's so exciting to see him learning new things.

 Baby Hudson rolled over for the first time during conference weekend! He was 10 weeks old. At his 2 month doctor appointment I asked the doctor when I should expect him to roll, since Chase was rolling at 7 weeks and Hudson was showing no intention of trying. The doctor told me that right around 4 months is considered normal and not to worry. Then he added that it's usually the fussy, skinny babies that are mad and have places to go and roll really early, and it's usually the chubby, happy babies that are just content to lay there for awhile. That perfectly describes my two babies! Of course I didn't need to worry, because Hudson wasn't far behind! I can't even express in words how much I love this sweet baby! He's been such a delight.

 These two boys are our world! Sometimes the rest of our life just seems crazy, a little out of control and tends to cause us lots of stress, but these boys have brought us the greatest joy. Watching them learn and grow and helping to teach them has truly been our pleasure.

Conference Weekend Recap

General Conference is seriously one of my favorite weekends of the year. It's basically been upgraded to holiday status in my head. It gives us a whole weekend of family time and we get to hear such wonderful, inspirational messages. This weekend was another wonderful conference weekend for us!

Chase spent pretty much all of conference recruiting people to play duplos with him! Here is Grandpa indulging him during Saturday conference. This is pretty much Chase HEAVEN- to have  all his fans around to play with him. 

 And Will and Katie playing with him during Sunday Conference.

(PS- when I bought him this shirt a few weeks ago I asked him if he liked

it, to which he replied, "No- it's Heidi's" Not sure where

that came from, but he looks cute in it!)

Hudson enjoyed being held all weekend long!

I usually try to set him down for his naps, 

but since we were all sitting around anyway I figured we might as well

enjoy Hudson snuggles. So he got held all weekend and everyone was happy!

 

Part of the reason we love Conference time is our traditional visit from the Braden family! This year they were small in numbers, with only Pam and her oldest son Cody visiting, but we were still so happy to have them! And I dearly missed my BFSC Jana- maybe next time my dear!

 And Sunday night finished with some good old fashioned cookie making. How many people does it take to make a batch of cookies? Four apparently.

All too soon it was over. We loved seeing everyone and loved the messages shared! And after being away for the last 3 conferences, it was fun to be back in Utah!

Updates on the boys

 HUDSON-

We had Hudson's 2 month check up on Monday. The doctor told us what we already know about this sweetheart: He's cute, healthy and big! He weighed in at 13 lbs 6 oz (75th percentile) and was 24 inches long (75th percentile). Honestly, I thought he'd be higher on the growth chart. Chase was only 9 lbs 13 oz at 2 months, so Hudson is completely on the opposite end of the spectrum! Hudson smiled and cooed for the doctor and just generally showed him what a sweet, happy boy he is. He got his first round of shots, which I hate watching. His little face turned so red and he screamed harder than I've ever seen him yell! But after I fed him he calmed right down and didn't seem to mind too much for the rest of the day. These days he's still nursing every 2 hours during the day, but usually goes one 5 hour stretch at night. He's still cuddly and so sweet and just melts all our hearts with his big gummy smile. We feel so blessed to have this amazing baby in our family!

 CHASE-

This boy is learning new things all the time! He knows all his shapes and colors and the letters of the alphabet. We are working on learning the alphabet sounds- he's really good at A:) He can count to ten and sometimes higher, but will skip a few numbers usually (who needs 15 anyway?). He has an incredible memory and will bring up things that happened weeks ago! He knows all different types of machines- backhoe loaders, tractors, combines, excavators, etc. and loves to identify them when we see them out and about.  His vocabular is expanding all the time. We joke that Chase learns a new word/phrase every day and Hudson gains a new fat roll every day! He loves animals and gets so excited to see and pet dogs or baby chicks. He loves everyone and shares his love so willingly, always giving out hugs and kisses. He will still play hide and seek as long as his partner will hold out. He tells Ben every morning, "Don't study daddy!" When people come over to the house the first thing he asks them to do is take off their shoes and coat, his efforts in getting them to stay and play.

Our Life is Messy

 These days life is messy.

And by messy I mean that I'm doing so. much. laundry.

My sweet little Hudson baby goes through multiple outfits a day,

not to mention all the blankets, burp clothes, everyone else's clothes 

that are caught in the cross fire. 

Here are the outfit changes of a typical day

Outfit #1

 2 hours later he's in outfit #2

and by noon he's already in outfit #3.

At this point I projected we'd easily go through 6 outfits 

in this one day (which absolutely happens sometimes)

but on this day he managed to stay in this little number until bedtime.

I really don't mind doing laundry- especially after all the work it was to do

in Dominica- I mean really, the machine does most of the work.

But I am seriously never caught up.

And then there are Chase messes these days-

I'm told it's normal for a two year old to get into lots of messy trouble.

Last week we had several encounters of splashing in the toilet,

lots of playing in his food,

filling cups of water and promptly dumping them on the floor,

opening a bottle of lotion and spreading it through his room and all over himself

(which wasn't nearly as bad as when he did it a few weeks ago with Vicks Vapor Rub)

Kleenex ripped up and scattered throughout the house,

and of course, all his toys and books scattered everywhere.

Turns out, I'm not the type of mom who can keep

everything perfectly clean and orderly while taking care of her babies.

However, Chase loves to "help" me clean,

which is adorable and takes way longer than normal.

So I'm learning to be okay with more messes,

trying to stay on top of what I can,

and just enjoy this time with my sweet babes.

(Plus- I have this weird anxiety about my kids growing out of their darling  baby clothes. I don't feel like they've had a chance to wear those cute outfits enough before they are too small. Hudson is just helping me out by making sure we get to cycle through his entire wardrobe several times a week.)